why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
