So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
