this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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