Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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