i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
