I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
