no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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