the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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