Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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