Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
