i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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