i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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