The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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