the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
