I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
