i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It all started with a game of naked twister.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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