i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
