you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
