sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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