I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
