My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Randomize
