Sorry, I don't speak sober.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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