As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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