let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
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we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
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Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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