so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Randomize
