he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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