I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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