morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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