did you know that the clit is basically just a tiny penis? Ya.. So just think about that next time you're down there.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Randomize
