You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Barsexuality is the new black.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
