I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
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