I'm really into asian looking animals
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Randomize
