pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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