I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Randomize
