I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
