I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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