Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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