He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize
