i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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