I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
