I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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