Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Randomize
