i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
