I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
