He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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