did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
