dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
