the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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