Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
