Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
