True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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