i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize