The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
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