One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
