cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
