She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
I can't ever handle being "that girl" again. At least not until next semester.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
