I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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