Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
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