i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Randomize
