how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
