he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
