How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
